Whenever I am asked what survivors need, I used to stumble around and not know exactly how to answer or put my feelings into words. Today is a different story. Ask me today what a survivor of sexual assault needs and I will say: Acknowledge them. We live in a world that has sexual assault so backwards it’s actually disturbing. In the advocate community, there are many conversations about how when a murder is committed, the murderer is tracked down and put behind bars. When someone is robbed, more than likely there is support to those that were robbed and blame is put on the robber. When someone commits fraud, you don’t blame the victims, you blame the person who committed the fraud… are you seeing the pattern yet? Rape is not like those other crimes — BUT IT SHOULD BE. When a rape occurs and the survivor is courageous enough to report it, they are subjected to questions like this:
- “How much did you have to drink?”
- “What were you wearing?”
- “Weren’t you on a date with this person?”
- “Are you sure?”
Do you ask the victim of a car crash what they were wearing? What about the victims of a robbery? We can’t ask a murder victim because they have passed away – obviously. However, do you see what I’m getting at? It does not matter what you are wearing, that does NOT entitle your body to someone else. Period. That’s it.
So where does acknowledgement come into all of this? Well, after being asked these questions is really when the self-doubt and self-blame set in. Hopefully at this point, you see that this is not what a survivor of sexual assault or most traumas really should have to be burdened with. Please acknowledge their experience as they tell it, and validate them. When you tell someone something that is difficult to talk about, you don’t want to be shunned or told you’re wrong for the way you feel or that what happened was your fault (when it wasn’t). Survivors require the same kind of attention. It’s common sense, and looking at the big picture, I am confused on how we got here.
Anyways, yes, simply being acknowledged does so much good. When I first told my story, I was lucky to receive the positive support that I needed, but there were moments where hurtful questions would sink me. Having support was powerful, but it only took person, one round of hurtful questions to make me think I had some kind of responsibility in what happened.
Please be kind, to everyone. Not just survivors but everyone. Kindness is a cure that can revive the most isolated and lost souls. If you want to ask questions that are constructive, here are some examples:
- “How are you feeling about what happened?”
- “Is there anything I can do for you?”
- “Do you want me to give you advice? Or just to listen?”
- “Would you like me to go with you to the hospital? Or call the police?”
- “I’m so sorry for what happened to you.”
These questions do not in any way blame the survivor for what happened to them, and helps keep them focused on how to move forward without rushing them. These questions are good pace-setting guidelines, because they will then tell you what they are struggling with internally. Acknowledgment soothes more than words of wisdom often do. It is the fact that we are dependent on our fellow loved ones that brings the most comfort, because they don’t have to be experts…they just have to be there to listen.
Flourishing With PTSD 