I have been trying to heal now from my attack and abuse for just over five years now, and the rollercoaster that this journey continues to be is always full of surprises; both good and bad. Usually I focus on the good, and how I turned something bad into an informational blurb or something positive. But today, while I hope to provide some insight, I hope to convey another part of the healing process that I have never heard anyone else talk about – probably because there is no easy way to talk about it.
One of my best friends recently went through a tough situation, and I tried to be there for them in the best way I knew how at the time. While they were going through their trial, I had lots of obstacles forming on my own path, causing the big picture to get distorted and hazy. I stopped actively searching for ways to be empathetic toward the friend that needed me. Instead, I put myself first. Self-care is always a healthy thing to do, however, don’t let your priority of self-care turn into selfishness – that’s what happened to me.
I thought that prioritizing myself over anyone else in any situation was the healthy thing for me, but in reality, what I was doing was what I tell people never to do: I was comparing our trials and traumas. I thought that what my friend was going through was tough, but they would survive because I survived something else. I was called on the carpet for it… I had no idea what my friend was going through because I had never been through it, never been in their position, never experienced the specific framework of their situation. I took that lack of understanding as something I didn’t need to prioritize because the friend would just talk to me if they needed something. I mistook the confidence I saw in them for the totality of their situation. I was wrong. I should have known better because I do that all the time.
What’s my point? you may be asking right now. Well, I stress over and over again to never compare traumas because our experiences are unique to us. As a survivor, I have a solid knowledge-base of what other survivors of similar traumas have been through and what they could be feelings and struggling with. In this situation with my friend, they needed me to exercise empathy because they needed unquestioning support. That’s what friends do. They show up, support and encourage you to keep going, offering everything they can to make sure you’re okay.
When it comes to healing and dealing with PTSD, make sure to check yourself too. Being a survivor can mean that you feel like the center of something, the center of concern to your friends, the center of a world that you never wanted to be in… nonetheless, it’s important to be there for others too. Who knows, maybe that’s another key to success in healing… when it’s not about you for once, it may help you keep things in perspective.
Before my trauma, I had all the empathy in the world, and unfortunately that contributed to how I ended up where I am now. Looking back on the situation with my friend and doing some deep self reflection, I realized I must have turned it off because to experience empathy feels like a gateway to hurt and manipulation, causing me to be defensive, and sometimes offensive.
So, here I am, now calling myself on the carpet and recognizing that I have another thing I need to work through. My goal is to not be afraid of empathy or the hurt that could potentially accompany it, because feeling anything is better than the numb abyss that I am constantly lost and drowning in. Have you ever thought about it? Have you been blessed with amazing friends who would do anything for you that it changes you into someone you never thought you could be? It feels so much better to acknowledge it and work on it than to suppress it and disregard the idea. I encourage you to think about it, because yeah, it wrecked me when I realized where I was at, but at least I’m going to be a better friend because of it. Right?
Flourishing With PTSD 