How Does Compound Grief Affect Our Coping Abilities https://feeandsons.com/blogs/blog-entries/1/Our-Blogs/29/How-Does-Compounded-Grief-Affect-Our-Coping-Abilities.html
When someone passes away, we are often told that we will experience the 5 Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I have found through conversations with other survivors of sexual assault and other traumas that we go through a grieving process after something tragically significant happens to us. Enduring a trauma is very significant, and it is easy to believe that survivors have every right to grieve as someone who grieves a loss.
I was fifteen when a classmate of mine attacked me. I didn’t know much if anything at all about the world where rape and sexual assault happens. I grew up relatively sheltered and cared for, so the idea of someone purposefully trying to harm me for their own pleasure or satisfaction completely took me by surprise. There was a boy in my life at the time, but it was new and I was still figuring out what having that kind of relationship meant. There wasn’t a whole lot to complain about.
This is the world and sense of security I had to grieve the loss of, following the traumatic events that spanned over the course of several months.
Denial:
When my memories came back, denial was all I could think and feel. After two years, the memories came back and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t accept the fact that this was something that happened to me. You hear that all the time… on the news when someone recites the events of something scary, they always express the denial: “You just never think something like this will happen to you, and then it does, and you still can’t believe it.” It’s true. I thought that I took all of the necessary precautions, that I avoided all of the right people… so how in the hell did something like this happen to someone like me?
Anger:
In general, I’m not a very angry person. To feel anger is something that makes me uncomfortable, probably because I have never had an appropriate outlet for it. When survivors go through this stage, as stated in “What Happens After Trauma” by Dr. Jeanette Davy at Wright University in the LeaderLetter, anger is when we question “Why did this have to happen?” I have had those kinds of questions enter my mind, which is totally normal after a trauma. I don’t feel much anger toward my attacker because I don’t spend enough time thinking about him to begin with, if I’m being completely honest. When I feel anger, it’s usually at myself when I’m in a situation that part of me knows is safe, but my PTSD is acting up and I can’t control my fear and anxiety, therefore ruining the experience. Then I wonder “Why can’t I get over this already?” or “I hate this! Why did this happen!? I just want to have fun like everybody else!” This is a train of thought that I visit way too often, but that’s how I get through it right now.
Bargaining:
Again, to quote Dr. Jeanette Davy, this stage of grief is when we have thoughts like “I promise to not ask for anything ever again if you will…” (LeaderLetter, What Happens After Trauma). I am a somewhat religious person, and so when I go through my bargaining thoughts, it’s usually a conversation I have with God. When I pray, sometimes I say things like “I promise to go to church every week if you will make the scary thoughts go away” or “God, if you will spare me a life tortured by PTSD, this is what I will do…”
Depression:
Depression is a difficult thing for me to talk about, because I think survivors experience this stage in different capacities. I have my phases with depression, causing me to isolate myself because I feel that I weigh people down too much to have a genuinely good time. I also talk really bad about myself because I can’t seem to help it… I see my flaws and state them casually at first, and then I talk bad about myself passionately, even when my friends and family try to talk me up because when I’m feeling so down, it’s like being right about my flaws is all I have. I feel depressed more than I feel anger, and I wish it was the other way around, because when I do feel angry, I have a lot of energy and I look for ways to let that energy out of my body (ex: exercise, music, yelling into my pillow, boxing, going for a walk…).
Acceptance:
When survivors reach the Acceptance stage, they are accepting what has happened to them, that they can’t change it, and it is no longer the center focus or center worry in their daily life. I have felt glimpses of this stage, but I have never consistently lived in that stage. I will say that one day, when I was feeling accepting of myself and my situation, I decided to sit down and start writing. I felt great about what I was writing and so I started a blog in my spare time. And then, I wanted to do more, so I started recording podcasts. The more that I put into my experience, the more ownership I felt when it came to my healing journey. I found another outlet for me to express my frustrations, my anger, my sorrow, what I’ve learned over time, and my joy. All of these components are propelling me forward, closer and closer to living my life in total and complete acceptance.
Grieving takes time. It is not a timeline you can calculate and say, “Oh yeah, in six months, I’ll be as good as new.” If that’s what ends up happening for you, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you! But don’t be discouraged if it takes longer than that. I’ve been working on healing and going through my grieving process for three or four years. I’m further along now than I was a year ago, even six months ago. Progress is possible. We just have to work for it.
Flourishing With PTSD 