One thing I feel that many sexual assault survivors experience afterward is having shattered boundaries. I have known that I have issues with being able to communicate specific boundaries, so my normal reaction is to set really vague boundaries to protect myself.
For example, I don’t like setting particular boundaries in intimate relationships… so instead of specifying what I am comfortable with and not comfortable with, I set a very big boundary saying ‘I don’t like physical touch.’ This, in fact, is actually not true. I love hugs, I appreciate it when people want to shake my hand (now, I didn’t before), and I don’t mind when a boyfriend reaches for my hand as we walk somewhere (now).
Building healthy boundaries is something I am still trying to figure out and understand. Lately, I have been working really hard on making mental notes when I do communicate a boundary AND it gets respected. If someone is coming too close to me for my personal comfort and I say ‘No’ or ‘You’re too close’, and they back off, that is something I have to make note of, because I spent such a long time enduring experiences where my boundaries were not respected. I value protecting myself and the people I love, and my symptoms of PTSD definitely amplify that instinct.
Going through recent reflection of my violated boundaries, it made me think of specific examples: when he slapped me across the face in Geometry, when I told him I would get an adult involved if he didn’t back off and he laughed in my face, and when I wanted to leave but he wouldn’t let me. All of these examples have been replaying in my mind this past week, and the other night I got into a stupid argument with my dad. It was something stupid about the dishes and I felt that it needed to be a group effort and he made me feel like I was the one messing up and he rose his voice to prove his point, interrupting me and not letting me answer him or explain to him my side. It was a dumb argument about the darn dishes… who cares, right? Well, with my thought process being so focused on feeling like my boundaries were violated, and I had no one to try and help me explain my side, I felt like I was put in the spotlight to be criticized for something that needed to be improved upon with a familial effort… but once again, I was the one being singled out while my sister and mom were sitting there watching the argument take place.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so lucky to have the family that I have and every family has arguments. Having PTSD is definitely a complicated factor that I have to try and solve with every altercation that occurs and I have to choose how to act based on what conclusion I come to. I left the situation to go cool off instead of continuing the lame argument, because I knew that I wouldn’t be heard. I knew that it wouldn’t matter what I said, I would be wrong… I would be invisible… just like I was when I was 15 and being harassed by someone who thought he could turn me into someone who was invisible and only seen by him.
The point of describing this argument is to shine a light on how important boundaries are for all of us. Looking back on the situation, I should have communicated better to my dad that the way he was trying to tell me how I can improve in helping out around the house better was hurting me, I acted defensively and felt defeated as I walked away.
Remember: setting boundaries is about you and only you! PTSD has a way of putting blinders on our vision, but in the end, we can only begin to heal when we are make ourselves feel safe and trusting in our environment… and that all starts with building boundaries.
Until next time!
Flourishing With PTSD 