Being a senior in high school with a fresh diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was life-altering. I thought my biggest problem would be passing AP Government and Politics and getting accepted into college. Luckily, I was able to keep up amazing grades, hold down a job, and get into college. I had to fight the fight while continuing to live and meet the demands the high school life requires.
Achieving all of those things, for me, was huge. When I feel successful and productive, I feel good. When I feel good, life is good – at least that’s how I saw things back then. Then that day came where I walked across that stage, shook the hand of my principal, and officially graduated high school. What did that mean? College was coming!
When I graduated, there was A LOT of stuff going on at home. As a family we were dealing with a great deal of drama that was heartbreaking on so many levels that it really put a damper on the excitement of my achievements in my own head. Summer was passing me by and I was more ready than ever to get the heck out of my house and out of my town to start fresh and create a life for myself.
In early September of 2016, I had been invited by my cousin to drive to Oregon and meet our Aunt and Uncle for a couple of relaxing days before I would leave for school. I was so excited to go! But for some reason, I felt this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I already knew that there wasn’t anything physically wrong with me… it was the PTSD kicking in. All I could do was picture a long car ride, and ever since the attack, I have had a really tough time with small spaces and being alone with men (yes, even men in my family). I was so angry, frustrated, and upset with myself because my cousin and I have so much trust that I really wanted to push through the pain I was feeling and take this trip. I wanted to spend time with him because he is someone who makes me feel safe. He’s one of those people that tell me he would never let anyone hurt me while he is around. Whether or not I believed it, it was a beautiful thing to hear, and it usually led me to a mindset where I could relax more around him, because I knew he was looking out for me.
It was a day or two before we were supposed to drive to Oregon when I called and told him I couldn’t go. He asked me why, because he was looking forward to spending the time with me before I left. I told him a brief version of what I was feeling, and he respected it, although I could hear the disappointment in his voice. I knew that he was probably feeling upset that he could ever make me feel that way. But that’s part of what PTSD does to a person and their family… it manipulates the way we see things.
The next week, I left for college on the other side of the state, a four and a half hour drive from home. I was leaving behind the support system I had built around me and was branching out to be my own person. I was very nervous and uneasy about moving away, but I couldn’t let my PTSD take so much away from me that life would pass me by while I hid from the world in my room. No! I had to step up and make things happen for myself. The reason I told the story above, is to create an image of where I was at. I was still very easily triggered and stressed out… so to have the courage to go to a school so far away was something that surprised me. I thought I would back out last minute if I’m being totally honest. But I did it!
Being at this college was easier than I thought it would be, considering the PTSD was still so prominent. I still looked over my shoulder, I was still afraid of being so far away, I was terrified of all the possibilities. Therefore, it was essential for me to find people to join forces with and spend time with. I already knew what to look for in a support system:
- someone who can protect me
- someone who listens to me
- someone who boosts me up
- someone who needs me
I found these qualities in five people who were able to keep me sane and thriving. These people gave me the confidence to work hard, to seek out opportunities that were for my benefit or in my best interest, and because they listened to me intentionally, I started to find healing that I was never able to find at home. I am so grateful to these people that were there for me, loving me unconditionally, and always letting me know how valuable I was to them and how much I meant to them. Being needed is essential to someone who is depressed, and I can say this: struggling with PTSD made me very depressed. Feeling needed made me want to be around these people, feeling boosted up with love, knowing I was safe, and knowing I was heard were all components that made the process of healing launch off the ground.
To wrap up, I want to stress the importance of finding your support system. Look for the four qualities I listed above to build that support. You can find these qualities in friends, family, even acquaintances. I found them in all three categories. You have to be the one to find your group though, because people don’t pass you on the street or in the hallway and see a “Support Group Needed” sign on your forehead. Other people out there also want to feel needed, accepted, protected and heard. The relationships can’t be all about you and your issues because we all have baggage. When you put in the effort to find your group, it will come.
Until next time!
Flourishing With PTSD 